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A Light-Hearted Email to The FA

England Training session pre Ukraine match 06/10/09 Photo Nicky Hayes Fotosports International Fabio Capello.

Below is an email that I have sent to various people within The FA, I am awaiting their response.

Good Evening,
Following recent events, I have enclosed a copy of my CV in application to the position of England Head Coach. I understand that the position is currently under discussion and thought that this presented an opportune moment, hence my contact.

My CV demonstrates a long standing commitment to coaching, predominantly at amateur level however I feel this is an ideal level of experience for the above role. I have also committed myself to youth football for a number of years and have achieved my Level 2 Coaching Certificate from yourselves at The FA. During this time, I feel that I have had to show a great deal of character, something that I feel that your current candidate is lacking. Similarly, these roles have brought about a great deal of responsibility, as occasionally I have had to make important decisions, which are sometimes unpopular, for the benefit of the team and all involved. During my time in coaching, it has never been a policy of mine to pick favourites, nor has it been since leaving primary school.

In addition, I feel that I am an excellent communicator with people on all levels. I have an excellent grasp of the English language and would use this to positive effect when discussing team affairs with both players, staff and the media. I think this is something that would be preferable for all involved and puts me streets ahead of the current employee and also most of the competitors that will no doubt be in the running.

Whilst I am on the subject of the credentials that put me head and shoulders above the competition, I am also relatively youthful at the age of 24. The future appointments of England coaching staff may benefit from a more open-minded approach and at my stage in life, I have not yet had the opportunity to develop any bad habits or indeed have the misfortune to become set in my ways. I also must point out that I have extensive experience of the PC game, Championship Manager and its various incarnations. This has given me knowledge of several different tactical approaches, in particular formations such as 4-4-2, 5-3-2, 4-5-1 and the unbeatable 4-3-2-1. This is something that I put into practice with great effect with an under 14’s side several years ago and I can assure you that it is a fool proof formation.

Since losing to Germany, I understand that it must be a very difficult time for all of those at The FA and indeed all of those involved with the England set up. I however, do not feel that the soon to be vacant post is a matter of national importance and see it as another failing of an association that is completely detached from the true meaning of the sport. How long has it been since Lord Triesman stood in a park on a rainy Sunday morning, up to his ankles in mud, trying to teach children not to all chase after the ball at once? Now Mr Triesman is up to his knees in something else and Mr Capello has failed at the aforementioned task, I feel it is important not for England but for the sport of football, to bring it back to those who value it most.

I fear this is not the case of those currently sat in Soho Square or indeed the Club Wembley seats at our wonderfully overpriced national stadium. I do not feel that the position of England Head Coach is a poisoned chalice as it is often suggested, but actually a very privileged position that should be dealt with with great sensitivity. I feel this has not been the case for far too long (McClaren, Eriksson, Keegan, Hoddle, Wilkinson(?!), Peter Taylor (?!)).

I would command a salary of around £30,000 per annum, plus expenses. In light of current reports, this will provide you with a cost saving of approximately £5,970 000 p.a. which I would suggest is invested in grass roots football. I feel that despite the FA being extremely profitable, it is not necessary to simply throw money away simply to fit in with the likes of the French Football Federation.

I would also ensure that any staff that I recommend for other back room positions be suitably qualified and would expect a similar level of income. It would also no longer be necessary to charter flights & coaches and players would not receive any perks such as beer or free tickets, whilst on international duty as I would ensure that playing for England would become a matter of pride and not a holiday or break from their families.

I would plead with you not to consider Harry Redknapp, who has been touting himself in the media today (Monday 28th June) as I feel this would only bring more negative attention upon The FA, both now and no doubt in the future.

If you require any further information in support of my application, please do not hesitate to get in touch. Please forward any correspondence to the below address.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,

Lyndon Roberts
**CONTACT DETAILS REMOVED**

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5 Comments

5 Comments

  1. alimcl24

    28 June, 2010 at 23:46

    It twas written in stone long before Sunday that you would go out in such a manner.

    It is only us from a higher vantage point geographically (Jocks, as you like to call us) that can are able to forecast such miserable, failings.

    And now you blame Johnny Foriegner?? The ball, the Vuvuzela???

    anyone but that tribe of overhyped, over-paid, egotisical has beens with the white/red shirts on.

    I feel sorry for the fans that have saved or splashed out the cash in South Africa and at home in support of such a dreadful bunch of players.

    shambles

  2. Bill

    29 June, 2010 at 13:12

    Very comical, but I can’t help but think you could do a better job than that bloody Italian.

  3. davelong

    29 June, 2010 at 16:12

    I’m sorry mate, but I didn’t see Scotland at the 2010 World Cup??!! Oh yeah, because you didnt qualify. Actually, you never qualify, so dont start slagging off England. Lyndon is only trying to make a light-hearted joke out of the situation, and you start bringing out the always blame it on someone else card….typical jock.

  4. Lyndon

    29 June, 2010 at 22:04

    alimcl24, apologies, you appear to have got the wrong end of the stick. I think it’s comical that we make excuses for not being good enough and indeed are a poor footballing nation, despite what The Sun and alike would have had you and I believe on Friday and Saturday last week.
    I find it equally as comical that Fabio Capello is now hated as a result of 9 or 10 appalling perfomances. Sometimes the better teams have bad games. The difference between England and a better team is the latter would win if they play badly, for example Spain throughout the World Cup so far.
    I apologise for not being clear.
    I am clear on one thing though, England womens team could beat Scotland and Ranger’s and Celtic aren’t fit for European consumption in the Champions League. Scottish football is truly a laughing stock and I look forward to seeing you struggle to beat the Faroe Islands or whoever you have in the Euro qualifiers. I hope no English team ever has to travel up there in the name of domestic competition to play infront of one man and his dog, in a dress.

  5. davelong

    29 June, 2010 at 22:59

    Here here Lyndon!!! The sooner jocks realise that they really can’t say anthing about English football the better, considering that they are absolutely rubbish at every sport, bar Elephant Polo.

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