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An Alternative Look At The Premier League Season Ahead – Part One

Now that the football season has well and truly kicked off with the Football League and the first round of the Capital One Cup played, all we wait for is the top tier of English football to get under way. So what are we to expect from the season ahead. Here is a slightly different look at what may lay ahead in the coming months.

August: With the transfer window slowly starting to close, Wayne Rooney still finds himself without a new home things don’t look good for him in the coming season, with United unwilling to sell to Chelsea simply because they aren’t as stupid as Arsenal by selling their best player to their main title rivals. Man City have been quietly preparing for the new season and for the most part nobody has noticed. Jose Mourinho is more fantastic than ever and feels he should be awarded manager of the year almost instantly. Arsenal still haven’t learnt from the past EIGHT YEARS and Wenger is still looking for the ‘right player’, while he goes and buys some more unknown rubbish French player. Spurs are still in negotiations with Real Madrid and want an advance on the £105m asking price on Bale while keeping him for another year.

Roberto Martinez starts his Everton career and everyone goes ‘aaahhh how cute’ on the opening day of the season. Liverpool manage to keep Suarez not only at the club but also in a muzzle for six weeks as he continues his ban. Meanwhile at West Brom, Odemwinge manages to escape to QPR through a window which was conveniently left open. Swansea have already started their season well ahead of everyone else after finishing up early last season when they won the Capital One Cup. They hope to be finished by March this year. Big Sam still isn’t happy with his West Ham squad and wants to spend at least £200m on second hand players. Norwich City..that’s all. Fulham don’t exist any more and Sky Sports forgot to go there when they did the 92 live thing. Mark Hughes is happy with Stoke City’s pre-season boxing sorry I mean friendlies and draw their games in August.

Aston Villa win their opening game against Arsenal and Villa fans have already booked their flights for next season’s Champions League. Joe Kinnear thinks he doesn’t have enough responsibilities at Newcastle and decides to become the catering manager. Paulo Di Canio introduces Scientology to Sunderland. While at Southampton the locals begin their advanced course in Spanish as their manager still hasn’t bothered to learn English yet. Ian Holloway is unhappy about something but everyone laughs as they think he is telling a joke. Hull and Cardiff were unlucky in their 6-1 opening day defeats.

September: The game between Man Utd and Chelsea is held up by five hours as Wayne Rooney is confused about which dressing room he should go to. Things are made worse when both Moyes and Mourinho are both calling him in their respective dressing rooms. Man City fans haven’t noticed they are yet to win a game because they spent every game with their backs to the pitch. Arsene Wenger praises his team’s spirit as they win all their games 7-5. Spurs go storming to the top of the table but we all know what happens from there. Somebody left the kennel open and Suarez escapes, Jammie Carragher vents his frustration of the event on Sky….at least that’s what the subtitles said anyway. Everton’s feel good season continues.

Meanwhile at West Brom, Anelka scores his first goal for the club and celebrates in the corner flag alone, while at West Ham, Andy Carroll comes close to scoring. Joe Kinnear doesn’t think he has enough responsibilities at Newcastle and decides to become the Kit Man. Aston Villa lose a game and the flight tickets get torn up. Police are on the look out for Fulham as somebody reports them missing. Something happened at Norwich City but nobody cares what, as Ian Holloway is about start his press conference at Palace. Sunderland win a game and Paulo Di Canio defies the laws of physics and slides the full length of the pitch on his knees. Swansea’s hope of finishing early this season are doubtful as they continue their run in the Europa League. Stoke draw all of their games. Paella is now being served at St Mary’s while Cardiff and Hull are unlucky to lose their games 5-1.

October: Jose Mourinho puts his team’s good start to the season down to the fact that he ties the players boot laces before each game. The battery goes dead on Alex Ferguson’s phone as he is constant communication with the dugout at Old Trafford. Man City fans still haven’t watched a game yet and Arsene Wenger believes that Arsenal can still win the title despite loosing all their games 7-5. Gareth Bale is now playing for Spurs again but only on a Saturday as he has to fly back to Madrid. Brendan Rodgers had to bail out Sterling again who now has 57 children at just 20 years old. Everton lose all their games but they can’t stay mad at Martinez for long when he brings out the puppy eyes in his press conference.

Meanwhile at West Brom, Odemwinge is spotted trying to get back through the window when he discovers that QPR are actually in the Championship. Big Sam is happy with his teams performance and believes money has been well spent as Andy Carroll almost scores again. It’s believed that Fulham are at Norwich City. Joe Kinnear thinks he has stumbled upon a great business opportunity at Newcastle and decides to take over as manager of the Newcastle official club store. Ian Holloway has a starring competition with a reporter. Aston Villa win and Villa fans are seen celebrating with mock Premier League trophies. Stoke finally score their first goal of the season in a 1-1 draw.

Swansea City are six games ahead of everyone else at this stage. Pauli Di Canio is in contract negotiations at Sunderland but are currently being held up on the a technical issue. He wants a free supply of trousers for every game but Sunderland say they can’t afford that much. Civil war looms in Southampton as they want to be recognised as an independent Spanish state. Cardiff and Hull are improving as they lose 4-1.

November: Its Black November for everyone in the Premier League as nobody wins a single game somehow. Plastic cutlery is being used in the directors box at Old Trafford as Alex Ferguson has broken all the dishes. Mourinho says his teams poor performance was because he was in a bad mood. He didn’t win Manager of the Month. Wenger say the title is more open than ever when somehow Arsenal draw all their games 7-5. Gareth Bales was late coming back from Madrid as Spurs dip in form. Someone forgot to feed Suarez before the Liverpool game and he eats the referee. Everton fans are falling in love with Martinez which is starting to become scary. Meanwhile at West Brom, Nicolas Anelka doesn’t understand why he is being booed.

The signs in stands saying “We don’t like you cause your a Pratt” don’t seem to provide any clues. Andy Carroll almost scores for West Ham but the ball deflects off a Bubble(explanation available upon request). Joe Kinnear business plan of selling shirts in Newcastle is a total flop as its obvious they don’t wear shirts at Newcastle. Swansea book their place in the Europa League Final just to be on the safe side. Paulo Di Canio and Sunderland come to an agreement.

Knee pads will be provided in the dugout instead. Southampton are in negotiations with the government as riot police are sent in to quell an uprising. Stoke(loud sigh) draw. Aston Villa lose and bids on E-Bay for pitch forks and axes rise by over 400%. Crystal Palace don’t actually get to play a game as Ian Holloway hasn’t shut up yet. Fulham and Norwich are believed to have fled the country. Cardiff and Hull improve by losing 3-1.

December: Christmas are all about miracles as Andy Carroll scored when the ball rebounds off his nose. Big Sam says  “ha I told you he could hit a barn door when it’s open”. Jose Mourinho is seen with reindeer. At Old Trafford the glass in the directors box is replaced for super strong shatter prove stuff as its been broken several times. Man City fans finally turn around. Arsene Wenger praises his sides Christmas spirit as they win 7-5. Spurs still believe they can finish in the top four as long as all their games are still being played on a Saturday. Roberts Martinez gets 30,009 Christmas presents.

Liverpool fan’s celebrate the club tearing up their contract with Warrior Sports and the club will start the New Year wearing some normal looking Nike shirts. Brendan Rodgers spends his cold winter month looking for Sterling and Suarez. All the police stations are checked first for different reasons. Fulham and Norwich were seen getting in a taxi at the airport. They never left. Southampton have called for a truce. So have Stoke City but nobody knows why as the teams they were playing were only defending themselves. Christmas is almost cancelled at Sunderland as they lose a couple of games but Mourinho flies in with his reindeers to save the day. Joe Kinnear leaves all his jobs as he has taken on too much responsibility at Newcastle and his heart almost gives out. He is never seen again. Cardiff and Hull are given some points.

So that’s the first part of what to expect this season. There may be a few things that are slightly over the top but let’s be honest it’s not to far off the real thing when you do think about.

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